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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.