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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.