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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..