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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.