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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
The older I get the better I used to be.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...