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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”