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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)