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Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Condoms prevent minivans.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.