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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…