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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.