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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I need a new bad decision.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.