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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!