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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.