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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!