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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!