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Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I think eating is my kind of sport.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.