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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.