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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
All milk is breast milk.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.