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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
My brain has too many tabs open.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.