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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.