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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"