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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?