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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.