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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
My cardio is shopping.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...