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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!