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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.