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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.