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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(