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I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
only 9530 days until retirement.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.