Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.