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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?