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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I was told there would be kool-aid.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.