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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.