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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.