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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"