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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.