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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
take me drunk i`m home
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.