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A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Breaking News: I took a bath today
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.