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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.