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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
It needs more cowbell!!
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.