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I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.