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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.