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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.