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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?