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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!