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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.