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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.