Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Without coffee, Iām just a really tall 2 year old.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson