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the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
You can`t be late until you show up