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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.