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I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?