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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!