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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Save time. See it my way.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?