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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you