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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.