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Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...