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I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.