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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...