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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.