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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.