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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.