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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.