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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.