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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Girls just wanna have funds.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
The older I get the better I used to be.