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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch