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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.