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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.