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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?