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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.