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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode