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You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.