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My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.