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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.