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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
bras are booby-traps
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.