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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?