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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.