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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice